Updated: May 21, 2020
Fat Tango asked me to write a joke about Wyoming. I am not a particularly funny person. Perhaps I could let out my inner BuzzFeed and write an “open letter”. I only speak from the heart. But I am also not one for poorly researched editorials with fluffy language.
So instead, I decided to draft a proposal. This displays Wyoming for what it truly is, and what can be done about the state.
That’s really all there is to be said about the state. Just the name. Wyoming is not known for anything in particular because the rest of the country has no idea it even exists. There are landscapes, there are mountains, and there are people.
Wyoming is a place. As a former resident I grew up in a small Wyoming town called Sheridan. And just like the rest of the state, Sheridan was a place. There were enough buildings there for it to be considered a town.
If one were to describe it to someone who has never been to Wyoming, it would be described as Nebraska outliving its shelf life and tossed into the clearance bin in a Wal-Mart.
The only social outlets one can find in Wyoming is hanging out in said department stores. At least before they go bankrupt because of the lack of available people to purchase things.
Culturally Wyoming is similar to hardtack. The only difference is that hardtack has more flavor. It is a state for old white people to retire and for people in their 20s and 30s that gave up on their goals.
They say rural states are stuck in the western times. It is less stuck culturally and more stuck mentally. The residents of Wyoming have a binary mindset, and that is small time highschooler and conservative christian on their deathbed in denial of their oncoming demise.
The United States is built upon an archaic foundation. Many things in the U.S. need to be changed because they do not work anymore. The best way to fix an outdated version of the United States software is to patch and update it. This proposition is meant to break apart Wyoming into the surrounding states, allowing these surrounding states (Colorado, Idaho, Montana, etc.) to either purchase their pieces of land through auction or have it allotted to them.
The leaders of Wyoming are known to be anti-growth. A state does not grow if it doesn’t exist in the first place. Negotiations will go back and forth for a couple years with what remains of their government. Half of their representatives will succumb to old age in their nursing homes before the final deal is made. It is the job of this board to be mindful of their age as all Wyoming representatives are elderly.
Following purchase, the surrounding states can restructure and relocate the towns and demolish what remains uninhabited. Being that Wyoming is mostly uninhabited this process will be brief.
Wyoming has small areas that were used for tourism. There are very few activities that exist in the state aside from consuming alcohol at dive bars. Novel activities will need to be incorporated into the new locations and towns in order for this proposition to be appealing to the surrounding states. Idaho and Montana will need to settle how much of Yellowstone National Park and Jackson Hole they are each allowed to purchase. Colorado is in the process of their purchase request, and Nebraska, Kansas and South Dakota will opt out altogether.
The residents will likely be resistant at first. They are used to living in the same small areas and being around the same people their entire lives that they will barely recognize people from other parts of the country. Diversity is not in the vocabulary of a Wyoming resident. Seeing an African American or a Hispanic person will cause heart attacks among most of the state so it is suggested the crews are staffed as caucasion as possible.
There was mention that they do not want to lose their small town “culture”. The only culture that has been observed over the years is watching sports and not talking to each other. Residents of Wyoming are generally anti-social and anything that requires effort is too fatiguing for them. Upon the state being broken apart the local rodeo scene will hopefully dissipate with the shattered hopes and dreams of Wyoming residents.
For natural resources, the mines in Wyoming that have not filed for bankruptcy will continue operations until further notice. They will have the same ownership but reside under the state that purchases the land that they sit on. The tech companies in Colorado will establish fields of solar panels and wind turbines. The wind turbines can power the entire country for years when they are placed in Wyoming.
It is time the United States took action and broke apart the nursing home. The extra space of the state can be put to proper use by the more innovative surrounding states. Out with the old, in with the new. Or just in with the new. There is not anything to replace.